Class of We Made It

Why Should I Kill Myself?

Why should I kill myself

When you are doing such a good job of it?

With your inauthentic, “pray for God’s will”

When what you really mean is, “Get over yourself

You really aren’t worth the miracle you’re praying for.”

 

Why should I kill myself

When you are doing such a good job of it?

With your fucked up medical system that tells me

My covered and necessary medication is unaffordable at over $300

And I have yet another dental emergency that is still not covered at all.

 

Why should I kill myself

When you are doing such a good job of it?

Posing as people who care and using religious law

As vigilantes so they don’t have to offer compassion

Or pass forward the grace, mercy or love

They have already received to overflowing.

 

Why should I kill myself

When you are doing such a good job of it?

Walking by me day after day

Barely acknowledging my presence,

Acting like it’s an effort to say, “Good morning,” or even nod

Yet you cheerfully greet your dog every morning,

Having lengthy conversations with him;

Am I less than an animal?

 

Why should I kill myself

When you are doing such a good job of it?

Ranting on the internet in cowardly anonymity,

Bullying your victim of choice,

Screaming, spewing hatred until your spittle sprays the keyboard

And sticks to the ends of your fingers,

Forever changing your fingerprints,

No longer invisible, but ugliness, indifference and evil

Seeping out of your every pore,

For everyone to see

(and you companies that allow the anonymity

are just the high-powered rifles loaded with those word-bullets;

hiding behind corporate shadows

but we all know who you are).

 

Why should I kill myself

When you have done such a good a job of it?

You fathers who lay guilt and shame on your children,

Expecting them to take care of you

When you have handed over your own job

Of shepherding the ones that love you

And poisoning their image (if only temporarily)

Of what a father should be

And what The Father truly is.

 

Why should I kill myself

When you are doing such a good job of it?

Slowly coming out of a depressive episode

That not many people except other depressives understand;

To be hit with a migraine, fearing the worst because

I haven’t had a migraine in over 10 years

And when I did, those episodes (clusters and common combined)

put me out for two weeks at a time.

 

“The way is lonely and goes on until there is no longer even the trace of a footprint to follow, but only the voice saying, ‘Follow Me.’ (Matthew 4:19)” Oswald Chambers

 

Somewhere

Even in this pain and fog

Of migraine, loneliness and insomnia

At 2:05 with no light except the glow of my computer screen

I know,

Because I authentically believe in God’s will and promise,

There is faith, hope and love

And there are miracles to be expected.

20 comments

    1. Back ‘atcha. It was a touch few weeks, but with God’s grace walking hand in hand, got through it.

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      1. Sorry I’ve not been in. To think you went through all that. Come to the UK. Your idea! We can chat and have a few jars, keep the boogers at bay and rejoice in love. :)x

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      2. Don’t think I haven’t thought of it. If it comes to the end of the year and I haven’t found a place to live, I’ll be there, hat and computer in hand! Love to toss a few with you. 😉

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      3. Cheers! I’m having a spot of red as I blog. Some lovely houses round here and I have a spare room!:)x

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  1. Mich-in-French · ·

    I can so feel your pain and frustration in these words and I think we all can relate. People are so full of self and their own stuff – it is the saddest thing to see – because sadly they are sowing these seeds and will one day harvest these themselves.
    I read an amazing book that really helped me get perspective for myself when I was struggling with other people – The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, it was really eye opening and helped me let go of so many of those word bullets and pain I had been holding onto.
    I am so pleased you are feeling better today and that you had an outlet to express your heart, your writing is so real and so full of emotion.

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    1. Thank you so much, Mich. Posted today in hindsight. Brand new perspective. I’ll look for the book. Bless you.

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      1. Mich-in-French · ·

        Bless you too my friend

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  2. Susan, oh how I understand but remember my friend, you are not alone. No matter what time of the night or day. Words can kill and destroy, that’s for sure. My daughter went through it for years, it was a living nightmare. Father God is with you. Faith, hope and love. Love and prayers to you and a great big hug from across the sea… xx

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    1. Thanks so much, Sherri. I think that was something I needed to get out of my system. Doing so much better today. Haven’t had a fortnight in hell like that in I don’t know how long…just clouded over, bleak and heavy. The Lord and friends like you kept me from being pulled completely under the waves that just kept coming.

      But God is good; he was carrying me across the ocean the entire time. Now…back to work.

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  3. Sometimes we need to express our anger and all the better if we can do it so constructively and with the passion you have, Susan. Blessings!

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    1. BTW Cat, did you see my tweet on the depression cartoons? Think you would appreciate them; a possible reblog 4 u. Love to you.

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      1. I didn’t see the cartoons, Susan. I’m still struggling to follow Twitter!

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  4. Words are exactly what killed my son who, already in depression, heard his wife’s final words of rejection and hatred which put him over the edge right into Jesus’ arms. I have a lot so say about the rest of what you wrote…especially about the healthcare debacle but I am a Christian and the words are all bad. I don’t know about religious vigilantes or what you may have meant by it so I can’t comment……so, my friend, I hope your headache is gone for good and that God’s miracle will be soon…because you deserve the goodness of this life.

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    1. Thanks…religious vigilantes are those that use religious “law” to accuse and point the finger at other people, rather than a) taking the log out of their own eye, or b) offering compassion and love as Jesus would have done.

      Headache is gone, thankfully. I think I needed to just come out swinging with both barrels, so to speak, letting others know that words are weapons of mass destruction. Whoever said they don’t hurt was a liar. Words kill.

      Bless you for your courage and encouragement.

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  5. This sounds so angry…anger is good sometimes. Angry can invigorate us and give us energy – see how this ends, THIS is how it must end. I hope the migraine has settled :/

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    1. Yes, it was angry…which I admit, doesn’t happen too often. And, yes, anger lifts me out of myself, turns my focus outward, then upward. So angry when others toss off unthinking remarks, not caring or stopping to wonder about the effect their words have on others. “Words can never hurt you” was a phrase made up by someone in denial. Words are bullets, and they can either sting or kill, depending upon the weapon used. I debated whether to post it this morning upon light of day, but hoped it may give someone rise out of depression as it did me.

      And thanks, took some OTC migraine medication this morning so, yes, it has settled. Feeling much better overall. 😉

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      1. I am glad you are feeling better ..overall 😉

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